Archives for August 2013

Is Darwin for you? A Handy Quiz to see If you'll fit in.

 The Immigration blurb keeps saying you should be aware of Australian culture and cost of living etc. The Northern Territory bits of it make even more mention of it. Can't think why.

 Even if you do understand you still want to know "Will I fit in?" "will I make friends and enjoy a Territory lifestyle?" Is Darwin right for you? Well here's a handy quiz that will tell you if your suited to moving to Darwin.

Thongs*, bordies* and a singlet are acceptable attire for:

• A ) The Beach
• B ) Mowing the lawn, Picnics, BBQ's and Walking the Dog.
• C ) Work, Going out, Weddings, Funerals and meeting the Queen.

Wildlife:

• A ) I hate bugs they freak me out
• B ) I'll try and avoid dangerous wildlife, and face my fear of critters.
• C ) I'm not worried about snakes, sharks, spiders, box jellyfish, stingers, ants, crocodiles or drop bears**.

20 degrees centigrade:

• A ) Is pleasantly warm
• B ) The bottom end of my comfort zone 
• C ) I'm putting on a fleece, trousers and getting out the duner*.

Bunking off work:

• A ) I've never thrown a sicky
• B ) Ok, ok, so I took a duvet day after a really big night. Everybody does it.
• C ) I'm going fishing**.

 Drinking and Driving:

• A ) You should never drive if you've had alcohol
• B ) You should stay bellow the legal limit.
• C ) That's what cup holders are for.***

 When Planning a Party:

• A ) You Should draw up a seating plan and ensure everyone RSVPs
• B ) Make sure there's a BBQ, and loads of booze.
• C ) Have a bare minimum of 2 strippers AND a topless bar maid. An esky* big enough to sink the Titanic in. Plus 2 spare rear tires for your ute* (burnouts go though tires)

Before digging up the road:

• A ) You should "dial before you dig" consult plans and bury cables pipes at depths specified by law and good practice. Then document everything.
• B ) Check with you supervisor to be sure.
• C ) Just go a head, hop in the excavator an get on with, go round obstacles and bury 'em shallow if there's bedrock - get it done.

Drink:

• A ) I have a glass of wine occasionally.
• B ) Lets go down the pub.
• C ) I drink at work, and my pillow is the sliver bag out of cask wine*

SCORES:

Mostly A's - You are anally retentive, way too up tight and Darwin will scare you. If you do come here you won't fit in. Try Surrey in England, or possibly Vacluse in Sydney.

Mostly B's - You've probably been repressed by people who scored mostly A's. Politicians, laws and lifestyles designed for crowed cities haven't crushed your spirit. Get over the wild life grab a beer and come to the Territories you'll be aright.

Mostly C's - Are you a Territorian? Probably. If not then you could move to Darwin make friends and fit right in. hell they'll probably give you medal.

 * NOTES for Non Australians 

Thongs = Flipflops
Bordies = Board Shorts
Esky = Cool box
Ute = Pickup Truck.
Duner = Duvet
Drop Bears = I kind of man eating kola that hunts by dropping on their prey out of trees.
Cask wine = wine box.

** I heard a lovely one recently there was a dispute on a mine site up near Cape York. The union called a meeting - all the workers turned up for the ballot towing their boats.

*** obviously you SHOULD NOT Drink and Drive.

Like making love in a Canoe

This contains one of my favourite gag's of all time.

Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl.

This begs the question "How bad does American beer have to be to the butt of a Fosters Joke? Now I use this gag on Australians, and then undermine it by drinking XXXX gold -  allegedly  the Name XXXX came about because Queenslanders can't spell "Beer". Its OK cos I said "allegedly"

The answer for those of you who haven't tried Bud is pretty bloody awful. I quote the "beer" section of Wikipedia's entry on on Budweiser. 

Budweiser is brewed using barley malt, rice, water, hops and yeast. It is lagered with beechwood chips in the ageing vessel which, according to Anheuser-Busch, creates a smoother taste[clarification needed]. While beechwood chips are used in the maturation tank, there is little to no flavor contribution from the wood, mainly because they are boiled in sodium bicarbonate [baking soda] for seven hours for the very purpose of removing any flavor from the wood. The maturation tanks that Anheuser-Busch uses are horizontal and, as such, flocculation of the yeast occurs much more quickly. Anheuser-Busch refers to this process as a secondary fermentation, with the idea being that the chips give the yeast more surface area to rest on. This is also combined with a krausening procedure that re-introduces wort into the chip tank therefore activating the fermentation process again. By placing chips at the bottom of the tank, the yeast remains in suspension longer, giving it more time to reabsorb and process green beer flavors, such as acetaldehyde and diacetyl, that Anheuser-Busch believes are off-flavors which detract from overall drinkability[clarification needed].

Budweiser remains one of the world's lowest rated beers on notable rating sites such as BeerAdvocate.com[28] and RateBeer.com.[29] Some drinkers prefer the lightness of beers like Budweiser and consume it as a refreshment or for its inebriating effects,[30] Several beer writers consider it to be bland.[31][32] The beer is light-bodied with faint sweet notes and negligible bitterness, leading to reviews characterizing it as a "...beer of underwhelming blandness".[33] Even Adophus Busch didn't like it.[34] Based upon sales, it is the second most popular American brewed pale lager among North American beer consumers.

Budweiser and Bud Light are sometimes advertised as vegan beers, in that their ingredients and conditioning do not use animal by-products. Some might object to the inclusion of genetically engineered rice[35] and animal products used in the brewing process. In July 2006, Anheuser-Busch brewed a version of Budweiser with organic rice, for sale in Mexico. They have yet to extend this practice to any other countries.