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Paddle Round the Pier and Lashings of HTML5

Remember remember the 3rd and 4th July is the Paddle Round the Pier weekend. After all the time energy an love i've lavished on it (I usually have to take a holiday) you'll all be going I'm sure. Its Fabulous fun. Take your boards your liko's your boats and your canoes. Your SUP's your sit on tops. Hell tie water wings to a Mini Cooper full of elephants and take that! If not just take you kids and your swimmers and your surgical drinking support.

Please go, you'll have to (voluntarily and with good grace) give a pound or so to charity, while all my mates work round the clock to amuse you, I guarantee it will be the best £1 you  ever spend.

Don't believe me? Check out The Photo's, this video and the BSC version there of. SIGH... Windows update,thnak you for Fucking up my web browsers ability to play WMV's I liked the VLC plugin - it worked. Windows media plugin does not. Roll on HTML5 video.

On route to Tonga, over the Tongan trench. Dropped a kidney bean tin in to rot last night. May not have hit bottom yet it it probably takes a can a long time to sink 5 kilometres. Today its going to reach 7km, and were not over the deep bit just south of here its 9km deep.

Anyway, parasailor is up. Its kind of a cross between a spinnaker and a kite. I'm not its greatest fan. Its expensive and complicated, I'm afraid I'm not a fan. It is working though. It really is reducing the roll on the boat. I can actually blog an code without having to hang on with one hand.

Last night however when the wind went light it hour-glassed is self in a way a normal kite wouldn't and with the hole the kite and the string wouldn't untangle. We de-messed it. Its snuffer jammed on the bundle of the kite part on the way up this morning. Bloodly thing.

The bloke that sells them claims they're easier to fly than a spinnaker.  He's lying. It is a good sail. But to be used - in my book, with caution.

HTML 5 

Do Not Autoplay audio in future.

So I've been adding feature to this site. Some of the Photo Galleries now play atmospheric music at you. A'int that nice*. I've used HTML5 so internet explorer users are buggered till v9 comes out. Since apple and Microsoft are playing fail over open source codecs it might be  while before I settle down to converting to HTML5 for the video's. Also I can't re upload all my videos till I get some where civilised.

I do, instantly, like HTML5. Even if bloody browser manufactures disagree its designed to work around it. I can specify an audio file to play. And put 2 versions up. An open source .ogg for firefox opeara and crome. And proprietary mp3 for safari. Sigh no I don't know what internet explorer will use. None of the above probably. M$ FAIL cretins.

Hopefully this will kill of flash video. When its sorted. Flash I like, for animations etc. But god its awful at handling video. Its also a bloated mass. Good by Flash!

The Camera of Dooooooom

Nuie Map, well used, so was
the camera it was taken with.

My camera, is now in the same state as the Black Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Despite being defeated it is busy shouting, come back here I can still bite you off at the knees.

• Power Button - NO, battery in = on, out =off
• Zoom - YES
• control pad - NO
• mode dial - YES
• Video - YES, Macro Mode only (keys to turn it off kaput)
• Photo -YES,  so long as it is good light, see flash
• Flash - NO, and tries to charge for ever so will not let you take a photo.
• Menu, delete etc buttons - NO

* if it ain't that nice and is actually bloody iritating you can set a cookie that turns it off on any of the photo galleries that have sound.

Hells Angels & the Great Nuie Beer Drought of 2010

OK I've a normal English Driving Licence. No Motorbike entitlement.

4 kmh S**t Box 

I only wanted a scooter. Used the famous (and out of date) Cook Islands licence to get my Nuie driving licence with Motorbike entitlement. Can't ride a bike mind. means I've hired one of the 2 scooters on the island.

Tom: Can I hire a scooter
Alofi Rentals: I dunno, I'll see if it works.

Errrrm.... I think it may have done sterling service, in the Vietnam War. Or possibly the Norman Conquest.

Yeah here's the check-list:

• Wing Mirrors - None
• Indicators - No, if you use the right one there's a sparking noise and the engine stops.
• Horn - Kaput
• Electric Start - Buggered
• Basket - Bent
• Speed Limit - N/A it don't go that fast, even with a 25kn tail wind.
• Size - Small
• Idle - runs for about 15 seconds then stops.
• Fuel Gauge - like the Bible, it gives a general idea, whilst being violently contradictory*
• Dignity when riding - None
• Accessories - iPod loaded with Vagner

* This has got worse since yesterday now says empty, or half full regardless of the actual level is.

Fun, I F**in think so! The whole island's surrounded by a limestone cliff, remember Quadraphenia? the classic 60's mod movie. I'm from Brighton I do and I wasn't even born. Only Nuie's better. Lets hope we don't repeat the Beachy Head scene, for starters the scooter's not got enough wing mirrors.

Any way enough about the scooter, I think I'm going to upgrade the Rock of Polynesia to "most Favour Island Status", when I said to a local that England was F**ked and I was intending to not go home, they said "come live here". Tempted. Sorely.

Pete of Bali Blue's response to today's emergency bludget was the same as mine capped with "last one out the country close the door" I said that's supposed to be "Last one out turn the lights out" then realised with England's obsolete power generation that'll happen anyway.

  
Anakapa Chasm (spelt wong)

The scenery is amazing (were like the second last post, talking about someone who's seen a bit more than just his home town and Southend-on-Sea). The people are all fabulous. Its dangerous cos every car, pedestrian and workman waves at you and its hard to wave back on a Brunellian scooter with a dicky front wheel without falling off.

The Great Nuie beer drought of 2010

Yesterday we finished the last beer in the Yacht Club. Rumour has it the Indian Shop had 3 left yesterday, other restaurants are out. Washaway's out the posh hotel's out. Rumour has it the Matapa Bar (open Saturday's only) has some beer left, but no ones sure.

Errrr, I think I just drank another island dry, neigh a country. Fear no reader(I think the s is optimistic), Rum, Scotch, Gin, wine etc is plentiful.

Fear not lager lovers, the next ships due in in three weeks loaded down with Steinlager.

Generator FAIL

Genset dead again, burnt out belt on the alternator, due to seized alternator. Irony. Genset's main 220 volt output is primarily used to charge the batteries, alternator to errrr, charge the start battery. I.E. we don't even friggin need it. Oh yes we do cos its the same belt as drives the water pump that cools the engine, and the tension adjust, like a car its on the alternator. Plan is to get someone to weld a pulley to a lump of metal and use that instead of the alternator.

 µ not-so-tough

Why oh why is there no lovely pic of my new driving licence in this post. My long suffering, RS600 capsized, dropped, snorkelled and fish bitten camera leaked today so I can't photograph it. Look here for its swansong.

I think its a testament to me, that the engineers have designed and refined the Olympus µ range of camera's to be water shock and generally anything proof. Leaders in the go anywhere camera  field. My lifestyle - rather than actual misuse* has killed 2 of them. I'm not proud. Or tired.

Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow or possibly the day after.

bugger the international date line. Rally time changes over tomorrow(Wednesday), Steve was I believe, going to go "All blue water rally Yachts, this is Island Kea you Net controller for today...I here by declare it Tomorrow(Thursday) sianara! Island Kea Out" Unfortunately enchantress who do Thursday's net sorted it out over VHF about half an our ago. We do the morning declare the change, and then they do the evening net cos then it will be Thursday.

Trouble 't mill

A boat called Enchantress (no relation to the BWR boat) was missing, there only long ranch coms is an automatic position transmission system. They changed destination and stopped at the Beverage Reef. This is a tinny horseshoe of coral in the middle of nowhere, the only bit that sticks above water is a wreck. Its very hard to find on our charts unless you know where to look. Enchantress has no engine. So people were worried. Turns out there OK, they're here. Several of our boats where trying to find them. As was a boat called tar baby, a thirty two footer. Two days ago Tar Baby's EPIRB (emergency position indicating radio beacon) went off. They've been dis-masted. They're now safe on a fishing vessel bound for Samoa. Noboby was available to tow them and it probably wasn't possible in the weather we've been having. I suspect they did the math. Old small boat, mid pacific, uninsured. Availability of mast here zero. So boat is not viable.

 * OK so apart form the fish biting it indecent, that's probably not covered by the guarantee.

Dwarf Beer

Non readers of Terry Pratchett may not have come across the term Dwarf Bread. I think he was taking the piss out of the Fantacy/Science fiction plot tool system. Probably Tolkien's The Hobbit primarily. Almost all sci fi shows have "replicators" which produce food, fantasy books have waybread, or the Dwarves in the Hobbit "cram". Special bread that doesn't go off weighs nothing and gives a fully balanced diet. Allowing the protagonists to go on massive, extended quests with out having to deal with the bugbear of logistics.

A review of Iraq or Afghanistan's military problems will unearth an astonishing array of problems that authors can use this plot tool to safely ignore.

Note for Americans and other Aliens:
A Pot Noodle is an British instant snack
A plastic pot with a lid in which some
noodle like substance some dried peas
and flavourings lurk. Into which boiling
water is poured.  A choice of flavours is
available. To give an insight into the 
quality, the Beef and Tomato flavour is 
marked "Suitable for Vegetarians"
Could be anything in 'em, except Poodle

Terry Pratchett's rather clever take on Dwarf Bread is that you can walk for miles on it, mostly in the hope of finding something other than Dwarf Bread to eat. Kind of like a Not Poodle. Its amazing how much less hungry I feel if the only option is a Not Poodle. I'd be prepared to walk half way across middle earth rather than have to pot noodle.

Sauron's Kebab shop sounds attractive compared to a Not Poodle.

Remember many moons ago I said we had 400 beers on board. Nearly all gone now. Gone are the Balboas, the Sobernos(Sober? No!), all that's left is the one slab of the "King of Beers". Budweiser. Its piss. I mean I remember the comment from a Brewery tour in the UK "Its made from rice cos its cheaper and its crap" its true, it is made from rice, it tastes of nothing it is without doubt the worst slop I have ever tasted. It makes that bottle of peach schnapps with cigarette ends in it left over after a party seem an attractive bet. Its Dwarf Beer, it will slate your thirst across miles and miles of open ocean, in the hope that you can find something else. Sea water maybe?

Hinano Beer de Tahiti 

When I say its the worst slop in the world, well nobody really listens to that line. The xxxx in the world. You've never seen the world, you've only been to Scunthorpe and the East End. OK So I haven't been to the whole world. But I've been to 45 countries (or autonomous colonies or similar)  not counting Wales and Scotland, and I always try the local beer. Its the worst beer in a very significant portion of the world.

This is where the problem comes, Nuie's a small islands, the ships come in rarely, there's a bakery come pool hall, no brewery and the Yacht Clubs out of beer.

Thank God we've some Hinano left on board, not enough but some. They're a snip at about 5 times the price of the Budweiser.

Budweiser its shit

That's not really part of the post, its just a header that makes this page friendlier to google and the like.

Dear Budweiser Lawyer's, this page is NOT defamatory it is truthful. Your beer is truly dreadful. Please by all means complain to my ISP he'll probably agree with me, he might even be able to drink your foul brew (beer's off his menu cos if gluten I think), or take me to court. I'm convinced having tried your miserable excuse for a beverage that I am right. I'm pretty sure I can convince a jury that I am an expert on beer drinking, I've certain diligently practised.

Man that would be a hell of a court case. A thousands of Lagers, 12 of my peers and some glasses. It would make a hell of a youtube video too, the fight between the Judges on who gets too hear the case. Might not be able to prove the 45 countries thing though, I didn't bother to tell some of them I was there saving them time and pasport stamp ink.

Off-line

I AREN'T DEAD

Probably, going to be off-line for a while, till Nuie probably. more than a week.

Tom

Edgar Alan Doh!

Drawing by W. Bligh. The William Bligh

Thunk.
Thunk.

What is that knocking? Knocking at my cabin door?

Thunk Thunk,
out there darkness, nothing moor! 

Oh its a bloody mooring buoy, Thunk,  knocking on the hull THE SAME bloody mooring buoy thunk the Boring Boring YC.

Thunk

The noise is quite annoying, last time I was here I was down the blunt end, and Alan had his cabin up the pointy end, near the thunking noise.

Still, looks like I'll have to get used to it. Were here, having put up with strong winds disrupting our visits to Raiatea, there's now nothing for days and we want to leave for Rarotonga soon. Sod's and Murphy's laws apply to sailing big time.

As Steve put it, being stuck in Bora Bora is hardly a strain or likely to instill sympathy in others. Its very hard to complain about really.

Looks like were going for a walk up to the WWII gun battery after some pan cakes. Hopefully there will be pictures. Yesterday's pictures have disappeared. More camera worries.

You know I said the water is always bluer on the other side of the reef. Well actually I didn't I said the other side of the Lagoon, but I've improved it since then. It is. We drove round Riatea and this is what we saw.

Click for massive version.